The End is Near!!

Tomorrow is a big turning point. Passive though it is for me (as I'm here far away), tomorrow the military contractors come, pack up my anonymous belongings, and ship them to a place relatively foreign to my husband and new to us as a couple....together.

I grew up much of my life in Phoenix and never thought I would return. I bolted the first moment I could afford after reaching the ripest age of my teenage years.

Not merely rebellious, but also stubborn, independent, and determined to make my way. I did not escape the comforts of family for mischievous reasons. But as life had it, I thought 70 hour work weeks to pay my rent REALLY sounded like FUN.

And yet, here I am. Multiple colleges, states, and vehicles later. Here I am, returning home (one college degree and marriage later)...mere miles from the very places I fled. Interesting....

Goes to show, for those of you with stubborn teens--you never know what will happen.

I'm so happy to be stationed near my family. I wouldn't want it any other way. Over the tumultuous years, I've come to appreciate them in ways I could have never imagined. And yet, I recognize that there are so many challenges ahead. I live with the fact that I've separated Danny from his family and friends in the Service. He is so excited about our prospects in Phoenix, but no one can hide the anxiety of what lies ahead....not even me, with my true comfort zone arming the perimeter at all times.

One week from today, we will arrive in Phoenix, at our new home, together. For those who do not know us, the commas mean nothing. For those who do, they mean everything. We arrive the eve of his 30th birthday and one month before our 4 YEAR wedding anniversary.

All I can say in this moment is...Wow! I'm getting old...(insert John Mayer quarter-life crisis song here...regardless of perceived cheese factor.)

Other than the seriousness that is life, I am happy to report that my fantastic fruit trees have not yet been killed by Yours Truly.

Grapefruit and kumquat have active fruit. Valencia Orange and Tangelo doing well. And my gardening casualties have been kept to a minimum...did I mention I feel old?!?

My new puppy and longtime canine family member are doing great despite one's limp and another's newfound desire to dig and explore.

Outside of these facts, ideas, and hopes...I've got nothing left to report. Bedtime.

Pilfering, pillaging...

So personal creativity is a bit dry, but I never stop being inspired by others. Thus, I would like to share something from Molly Barker, the fabulous founder of Girls on the Run. As some of you may know, I have made it my early New Year's resolution to start coaching a Girls on the Run team in 2011. This is something that has been stirring in my soul for years, yet ... well, life in Mississippi happens. The deadline for the Spring season is fast approaching, so it is only by the grace of this universe that I will begin coaching in February. However, I fear not because there is always Fall!

How strange that an organization that, in truth, I have next to zero experience with speaks to me so strongly. And it is weighed on my heart for years. I am so thrilled to be an official running buddy for one special young lady in December and more thrilled for the times ahead! In celebration of all of good work already being done and the prospects of future female fabulousness, I leave you with something from Ms. Molly that I found super-touching and inspiring.

"TOP TEN THINGS I’VE LEARNED BY WORKING WITH 8 to 13 year old girls!

1. When you are happy, it is perfectly acceptable to stop whatever you are doing and go into complete “Dance, Dance Fever” mode. Don’t think too hard about this. Allow the dance to be interpretive and come up from your soul. If this means doing a full-blown “worm” on the floor, go for it. If it means, cartwheels and/or break dancing, don’t hold back, brothers and sisters. Dance, until you can dance no more!

2. When you are sad and you feel like crying…cry. There is no reason in the world, not to. Crying is not anything to be embarrassed about or to restrain yourself from doing. Crying can actually feel good.

3. When you are hurt, either physically and/or emotionally, let someone know that you need their help and their love. Don’t be afraid to say “Hug me. I’m hurt.” You’d be surprised how much that helps in the healing process.

4. When you are angry, let someone you trust know first. Tell them everything. Get all the mean parts of your anger out of your body before you actually confront the person who has angered you. Being human isn’t always a piece of cake and sometimes we think really mean things. That’s okay and just part of being human.

5. Trust yourself. If something doesn’t feel right, trust whatever it is that is giving you that feeling. Nine out of ten times, you are right.

6. If you have something to say, say it. Why the heck would you ever want to hold back an idea on your insides when there is plenty of space outside for the idea to live? Share your big ideas even if they seem utterly undoable or ridiculous. You’d be surprised at how many other people might also have the same idea, but just not know or have the words to express it.

7. Daydream. So, maybe sitting quietly isn’t something that adults do very often, but lying on your back, watching butterflies and making shapes out of the clouds in the sky all provide direct routes to the deeper ideas in your imagination. Your destiny is found in your dreams.

8. Stare at people. Sure, this will make them uncomfortable, but every once in a while a stare leads to a connection and a connection is where friends are found. (The best place to stare at people is on an elevator, so says my daughter, Helen Barker.)

9. As you get older, the fashion magazines and the “age police” will tell you what to wear and how your body should look. They just make that stuff up. Wear whatever you want to wear. If you feel like wearing red cowboy boots with a pair of running shorts, this is perfectly acceptable. Don’t think too much in this category. The human body is pretty cool. Take thirty minutes sometime and just see what your body can do. Leap. Jump. Fly. Skip. Dance. Amazing! Let your spirit be your guide!

And last but not least… the topper, the whole enchilada, the icing on the cake and the cherry on the sundae…

10. Love people. Love them “just because.” Love them with all of your heart. Tell them you love them…tell them a lot. Tell them every day that you love them. Love them with your words, your body and your eyes. Tell them you love them with cards that you decorate yourself, with gifts that you made with your own two hands. Love because you are love. Love. Love. Love."

Thank you for closing. I may finally have a HOME!!!

I’m pretty sure I’m moved at least once a year since 2003…and now I want to try the timeline:

1. April/May 2003—stuff on curb, so moved to ghetto Mesa

2. May 2004—moved to Charlotte, NC

3. May 2005—change of lifestyle and moved once again within Charlotte…working at the bank, dying to get into Wellesley.

4. April 2006-left apartment in Charlotte to make do out of car and friends’ hospitality in order to save thousands of dollars in rent. Not too many run ins with police…

5. September 2006 – arrive at Wellesley

6. December 2007 – cannot afford Wellesley housing so I jimmy-rig an explanation to live off-campus (rare for the school). Seriously consider living in the campus center, but think for some crazy reason that living with hippie-dippy is a good idea. Not so.

7. Jan 2008—move in with kind old lady in Wellesley. A hop, skip, and jump from the college and the high school where I’m student teaching.

8. June 2008 – Biloxi. Home sweet home in crappy apartment.

9. Nov 2008 – New apartment in D’iberville, MS….until some psycho, jerk of a guy decides to hold me at gun point.

10. May 2009 – Move into base housing away from crazies.

11. December 2009 – Danny deployed – Em to PHX

12. July 2010 – Em returns to Biloxi

13. October 2010 –Em returns to Phoenix for good.

Let’s let all this moving around end so that I can have some sort of home please.

Finally...I may be growing close to having a home. I can't wait to stop living out of a suitcase. For those of you who think I've been settled...I say "Ha!" Since January 2010, I've been living out of a suitcase away from my home while my hubby was deployed. Minimal friends and family, with my real life left behind. I'm used to packing up my life into suitcases and zippy-bags. Maybe with this next move, I won't have to do that anymore....

...One can only hope...

Now that it's a Blockbuster...geez

I've been reading friend and family blogs a lot lately, relishing the happy photos and enjoying the parts of their life they are willing to share. How wonderful! My own thoughts have drifted more to the serious as of late and, though I at times feel bad for this, I realize this is ridiculous. So I'm going to continue to use this forum as it seems necessary at the time.

It seems that life has one curve ball after another as of late--well, for years now. I'm not sure why...Is it my choices? Is it fate? Is it random? Is it a lesson? Or likely some combination of all of the above. Soon, however, hopefully we will be successfully tethered in Phoenix for the next few years, providing some stability through the madness.

I, in part, feel silly for only now reading Eat, Pray, Love and loving it--largely because it was one of those book club numbers that make me initially cringe at the bandwagon (though hypocritically so). Now that Julia Roberts has her stake in the business, it adds a thin layer of judgment (though I love Ms. Roberts). Yet as I'm reading, I find so many passages and quotes I wish I could store away in my brain, able to pull them out as needed. As I'm shedding a lot in my present--or rather, trying to figure out how that's possible--this passage made me smile (in the context of Ms. Gilbert's own letting go):

"This is what rituals are for. We do spiritual ceremonies as human beings in order to create a safe resting place for our most complicated feelings of joy or trauma, so that we don't have to haul those feelings around with us forever, weighing us down. We all need such places of ritual safekeeping. And I do believe that if your culture or tradition doesn't have the specific ritual you're craving, then you are absolutely permitted to make up a ceremony of your own devising, fixing your own broken-down emotional systems with all the do-it-yourself resourcefulness of a generous plumber/poet. If you bring the right earnestness to your homemade ceremony, God will provide the grace. And that is why we need God.

Until my do-it-yourself resourcefulness comes to fruition, I'll remain a just a girl, stagnantly here, hoping to will the tide into sweeping something into motion. Perhaps I'll make up a silly ritual with good intent, do some yoga, or just enjoy the silence. And 'til then, I'll eat good food, run my booty off, pray more often and love, not only others in the best way I can muster, but I'll work on loving little 'ol me.

2 Stamps

I've been having one of those "mad at the world days." I don't have that great of a reason to feel that way--things are slowly falling into place with moving and I have everything I need. Minus daily annoyances, which are unique to no one, I am okay. Except...there is this grating, nagging, voice dragging me down asking me what is the point? What is my purpose? My inability to find that answer is, I'm sure, the source of my poor attitude. Way to continue the cycle, Em.

However, today I needed to do something I've been putting off for a long time. A letter that needed to be sent. A letter that needs to be received. One that was written, sealed and addressed weeks ago, yet lacked stamps and courage. So on my lunch, I sought both.

Upon leaving the post office, I saw a thin man on a bus bench with a cardboard sign reading "HuNGrY." Many of us see these things daily and cannot or will not do anything (I, admittedly, often fall into this category). Today was different. I felt that little voice that sometime comes from inside saying "Yes!" or "No!" or "Now!" And the little voice rapidly became a pressing weight, urging me to help in whatever paltry way I could. I rushed home excited to rustle through my cupboards in hopes of finding something and managed to assemble a grocery sack with what I could offer. Some nonperishable packaged snacks and protein bars, a Hawaiian Punch I knew I'd never drink, a cooked hot dog and cold yogurt--utensils and paper towels included. Not a gourmet meal, but a meal.

I was elated that he was still there when I returned--though perhaps I should have hoped he might have found somewhere cooler, maybe with a real meal inside. He seemed a little startled at first when I ran across the street to give him the bag (no crosswalks, barely any sidewalks in this gem of a town), but accepted it graciously and I ran on my way. I, too, felt a little nervous and locked my car doors upon getting in, part for safety, part due to prejudiced assumptions.

I took a different way home because I felt awkward sitting at the stoplight where he sat, as I would essentially just watch him go through the bag. I didn't want either one of us feeling uncomfortable and, truthfully, didn't want to see any potential scowls at my lunchtime grab bag. As I pulled away, I only caught a glimpse of him in my rear view mirror, going first for the paper towels and wiping the sweat from his face. It is hot; he is hungry; and it'll likely be the same tomorrow.

I don't feel quite comfortable even writing all of this here, just as I think it's equally strange to post on Facebook "I did xx amounts of good deeds today. Look at me!". But since I'm pretty sure this doesn't get read much, I'll leave it be.

My mood is a little less ugly now. I hope that it made some difference on some level. I still don't get what my greater purpose is all about, but maybe these things were part of my purpose today. And so now I get back to work, trying to be grateful for what I do have, taking things day by day, and hopefully listening to that feeling in my gut when it tells me to do something.

Now to drop my letter in the outgoing mail...

Sorry for the serious update ...

So being back in Biloxi = weird. People drive way slower than I remembered. It takes me an eternity to get ANY errands done. In many ways, Southern folks are kinder; yet the very day Danny picked up his BRAND NEW CAR, we caught some lady SLAMMING AND SLAMMING her car door into ours trying to get out. Really?!? Needless to say, he was not happy.

I have realized--to some extent--the things I took for granted. Friends I didn't realize I had, yet am grateful that I do. It's a lesson that--when life gives you crap, it's easy to think that it's crap--but there is good everywhere and we've always been lucky to stumble across a small handful of great people.

I hope to know soon where we are headed. Biloxi is a tough place for many (quite justified) reasons. We are hoping to be in Phoenix soon, but we'll see what the cards have in store.

In the meantime, at least I have a closet filled with my things (or Danny's) and not a random assortment of stuff as if I feel like I'm squatting. Nothing negative toward my previous residence for six months. There's just something to be said about having a place that is yours. As hard as it is for me to fathom--I'm in my mid-20s and Dan will be 30 this year. We are past the point of camping on couches and thrive much better in our own environment.

And yet, still, life is complicated. With nothing but smiles, I ask "Who knows what lies ahead?" After a brief carbon monoxide alarm scare today, my mom asked, "What do think things will be like when you reach NORMAL?" She continues by adding, "I hope when that time comes 'normal' is satisfying." Of course, I'm paraphrasing, but it's true. The last few years have been a whirlwind of madness. We've NEVER had normalcy and perhaps, when we reach that, it will be anti-climatic and dull. Perhaps I'll be left wishing for more...more of something.

For now, we're just trucking along, doing what we can with what we have.

And, heck, I got Danny to eat a portobello mushroom burger tonight! Definite progress :) Until next time...eat, run and love, my friends.

Second to last night...

Well ladies and gents...or for my ghosts reading this because Lord knows I'm just writing to myself right now (and, actually, there's a peace in that). Tomorrow/Today = July 5th --> one day before I leave Phoenix and head back to Biloxi for a whirlwind of trials. Drama aside (c'mon, we all have some--mine's nothing special), there are so many decisions to be made. I'd love to put it to a jury, but that would be a pretty lazy way out. No. I must make this decision on my own. Scary.

I am committed to looking at the positive. I have had a wonderful 6 months in Phoenix. I've had a great time with my brothers, my extended family. I've met new friends in places so unexpected. Some of my new friends have no idea how much of an impact they have had! They are so sweet and wonderful--I am blessed to be in their company! I have a renewed vigor in my music. I have a renewed hope in humanity (I've realized some people are super sweet!). Without knowing where my future leads, I hope that it guides me "home". Somewhere where people are friendly, the food is good, and the sights are beautiful. It takes little to please me, yet I know rough times lay ahead. We will surmount them. I'm far too stubborn to succumb to all of this! '

Que sera, sera...and in the meantime, let's watch the World Cup with upmost enthusiasm!

First day of July ... only six months 'til summer is over.

It's only been a few days since I started this blog and I'm already finding myself void of blog-worthy thoughts. Perhaps it's because I've been supremely unmotivated to do much of anything these last couple of weeks. The worst of the Phoenix summer season is coming into full swing.

It always seems too hot to run but I'm trying to get off my butt as much as I can so I don't fall so far behind in my marathon training. For those who don't know, I'm hoping to run the Flagstaff Marathon September 25th (if I'm in Phoenix) but the big kahuna is the San Francisco Women's Marathon on October 17th.

I get to run here:

To get this (yes, my first Tiffany!):
Nope, not a ubiquitous glorified chain link dog tag...it's a bit more dainty and certainly will have taken a bit more work to earn.

As I'm plunking along, there are a few things which I'm currently loving more than running in Phoenix when it's 90-110 degrees (yes, I fail at getting up in the morning, so I've relegated myself to this):


(Falafel and tzatziki)

Well, that's all I've got for today. I'm a glutton for punishment because I'm headed here:

...for an awesome Ashtanga class (athletic yoga in heated room--not Bikram at least) taught by this lovely lady:

Blogging, Take Two!

Yes, yes ladies and gents. I'm going to try this again! Why? I'm not sure...maybe just a way to sort through the chaos and chronicle all things trivial and fun. I hope my fam and friends will share, read, and connect (as I'm getting ready to travel back to the Gulf Coast, leaving many of you behind).

In the meantime, as I get this madness up to snuff, I'll keep eating, running, and loving -- you should too!