"The Voice" and the dork

So I've never been an American Idol follower...just too much crud and filler. But I have to admit...I'm a total fan of "The Voice"! (Especially when I record it and I don't have to watch commercials...)

And when one of the girls who was on the show played at my local place wherein I played oh-so-frequently (The Julep Room, Biloxi, MS [also where Elvis hung out in his youth...rumored to be haunted!])... that, to me, it pretty darn cool!

Even better, all my non-married friends have been hitting the jackpot. One of my friends from my Charlotte days is at the Nationals stage of the Billboard Magazine's "Best Unsigned Bands" in the entire country! Go Mike! Another good friend is recording another album with the fabulous Anthony Hamilton and, since I am a product of the 90s, I'm also thrilled with a new release from Brian Vander Ark. (Verve Pipe, anyone?)

C'mon....we were merely freshmen...for the life of meeeeee....

I'm missing my music, but am also feeling disillusioned. I would really appreciate the companionship of having company to play/sing with. Sounds cheesy...but I don't care what the music is, there is something about SHARING music that is unique, special, and intimate that I miss. *Sigh*

Guess I should figure it out...And please, dear Lord, let it not be through Craigslist....

Friendship

I've been reflecting recently upon what it means to be a good friend. Perhaps this is because I feel a little jilted in that avenue, myself. But, truthfully, the older I get...I realize how important it is to have good girlfriends. It doesn't matter if family, non-family, strangers. I want to be the sort of person that (even as a stranger in the mall) I'm going to be that person who empathizes, relates, or just simply smiles, hopefully to remind people that some people are, in fact, nice.

I was so very blessed at one point to have a couple of great girlfriends, but I must have messed something up. I'm not sure. Friendships are like dating, but more awkward. When dating, that awkwardness can come in the form of a strange touch or ... something. But with girlfriends, how do you tell them how much you love them and value them without it just being weird? How do you tell them how sorry you are and how much you miss them?

I just miss my girls right now...the girls who forced me into their arms and made me just break down in tears with them, even though I've never been a touchy-feely, sharing sort of person. I'll never forget that "tough love." They basically hugged me to death. I'd never had that. It was so awkward, so uncomfortable. But deep down, they knew and I knew I needed it.

I hope our estrangement isn't permanent. I probably need them more than they need me, but oh well... all of this to say, I really hope that those sorts of relationships play a greater role in my life.

I wasn't at the place I needed to be when they were around, yet now, I think these bonds are nearly as important as those familial. No matter what happens, I have such gratitude towards them for the lessons the taught me. The sweet cards and notes that they wrote to me, that I didn't even realize that people did! The scrapbook they made of our college photos. Sliding down the golf course hill on lunchroom trays. Her *hee hahs* rolling down the hill---so out of character for a girl so prim and proper.

I hope these girls will come back, but if they don't, I hope that I can cross paths with new people, with whom I can share the silliness, laughter, and tears that I did with the two best girls I've ever known. I will be a better friend from here on out. I miss them.

My Last Two Years...

**Forewarning: This is not a happy posting. But this is something that I need to say and write to those that I know and love--not only to share something about myself, but to warn others of circumstances that I have experienced. I say this with love, catharsis, therapy...whatever you want to call it. Since I know so few people read this anyway, I hope that those of you who choose to read this will read this with love and discretion as you see fit. At times, I have been ambiguous on purpose. I know the Internet is public and I would never want to say anything that would jeopardize the defendant's maximum sentence possible. He deserves it, in my opinion.**

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As little, innocent girls, our wedding is a pivotal point in our life, where we think that things will change and fall into place; no wrong can come after Prince Charming’s kiss. Yet, two years ago came a more pivotal point in my life then I could have ever imagined.

Around this time in 2009, I had just returned from a fabulous weekend with one of my best friends, running my first half marathon and feeling on top of the world. A small marital tiff led me to sit, singing to the radio to smooth my nerves, when a man approached my car claiming to be something he wasn’t. I do not wish to go into details about how I was so foolish to allow things to get to the point they were. I tried to be safe. I did everything I was told to do in women’s defense classes.

When he had forced his way into the car, I had asked him to please, please let me onto the sidewalk and he could take the car or whatever he wanted. I tried to do everything right, yet once a gun was pointed in my face, less than a foot away, I finally heeded his commands, in order to hopefully save my life, and just shut up.

He had the nerve to ask me conversational questions—“What is your name?” (I lied the best I could in the moment.) “Are you married?” (As if that makes any difference to you.) “Do you have any kids?” (What sort of person does this?)

Sparing the gory details, I was taken somewhere else and some pretty not-so-great things happened. I was returned near my home, dropped off in the middle of the road, and told not to move for some time. Sobbing, I called my husband as covertly as possible, where he failed to heed my request to take no action (per threats from the assailant). He stormed outside looking for everything and anything. My hero saw something just “off”. Nothing incriminating. Nothing obvious. But something that he mentioned to the police. Within 12 hours, the very person that my hero--my husband--saw was the terrible individual…who lived nearer to me than I could have imagined. I’d never seen him before in my life.

I have been fighting for years to figure out how this screwed up legal system works. I still have no answers and am more disillusioned than ever. Fortunately, my case was heard and I was able to be relocated to my current town of residence. However, sadly and fortunately (the double-edged sword), the horrible animal struck again and was caught because of one very strong woman’s actions. I know in my heart (and statistically) that this demon of a person has traumatized many more people during these two years (and likely in the period before my assault...). I am so thankful, grateful, proud, and inexpressibly sad for the beautiful woman who had to endure what she did.

Yet without her, my charges would have never been heard as they should be.

Without my charges against him, her charges and trial might have faced a similar progression as mine did.

Together, we have validation. Together, we can be living proof for all the atrocities that took place in between, for those without the means to come forward and be spoken for. We share the same M.O. in our cases; the same pain; and for that, I am sorry for her. But she has been strong. She fought back in ways I was unable to. I just want to give her a hug and shed a few simultaneous tears.

I am grateful that this serial individual is now behind bars (after years of paranoia and pain) until further notice. I have good reports that he should be there for a very long time. I have been begging and pleading to God, when I thought my case was hopeless, that he would at least let him have his consequences after death. This person continued to live an atrocious life, attacking who knows how many people over these years, and I feel such relief that he is now out of society, unable to hurt any more women who never asked for, nor deserved such pain.

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I know this is not uplifting, but I know that for the rest of my life I will do everything I can to support those in similar situations. To those who have not, thankfully, ever experienced something like this, be grateful and adamant. Keep your guards up always. You are loved by those around you, by that which surrounds you , and by that Above. My prayers go out to those women who has been victimized by this person, yet who have not been able to come forward. To those who have had similar experiences by a different assailant, it is NEVER okay to be treated this way and don't be scared to tell someone. In my case, in YEARS, only two people have been able to peg this person for his crimes (myself and a victim years later). I thought I lost. I thought it was a waste. I almost gave up. Don't stop. Even if you don't feel vindicated, you may lay the groundwork for someone else. These people don't do this just once. It only gets worse. Be strong. -xoxoxo

Easter Preparation

So tomorrow, I am to cook something like this:

Leg of Lamb Deliciousness

Including simple, Greek-inspired dishes like:

• (the obvious) Great Leg of Lamb
• Lamb au jus
• Danny's "Greek" potatoes
• Herbed carrots, onion, and eggplant
• Braised kale and chard
• Homemade tzatziki
• Mint jelly (not because I like it, but I feel like it's an unsaid requirement with lamb [and it's in my fridge..why? Hmm...long story... )
• Homemade Easter bread (sans the traditional Greek eggs, I think).

I may throw in some dessert if I feel like it, but I'm already making a feast for a small number, so perhaps simplicity is best. Plus, they can eat cookies in from the pantry while I skip the sweets. :D

Yum! Yum! We'll see how it goes...

Why Asian-inspired food is the easiest to cook in the world...

(Ground chicken and eggplant -- one of my favorites!)

I love Asian food. And when I say "Asian" food, I realize that that is as vague as some foreigner saying, "Man, I love that North/South American food." Like our concept of our own culinary stylism, the term "Asian food" is ridiculous, and I get that...but to be honest, in America we probably really screw up even the most authentic of dishes native to any area outside of....well, ours. (To be fair, I'd be in shock and awe to see any "foreigner" nail down the Southern concept of biscuits and gravy. Sounds easy enough [as does a stir-fry], but the intricacies will always be lost in translation, except in the the hands of a genius.) Long side note, but I love Asian/Asian-inspired food.

Ginger, chili peppers, garlic, fresh veggies and greens, savory and sweet. It's the culmination of a food job well done. Add meat? Delicious! Go completely vegetarian (And I mean veggies only)...still delicious. Substitute vegetarian proteins (tofu, etc.)....yummy!

Hence, the purpose of this blog post which no one will read, but I feel like writing anyway. :)

To me, there are a few essentials in Asain-esque cooking (other than oil, of course).

Garlic

Ginger

Chili SOMETHING

(paste, sriracha, thai chili, et al.)

Soy sauce

Sugar

(Korean friend from college taught me this...)

Optional ingredients include:

Saucey additions

(hoisin, fish sauce, oyster sauce,

teriyaki [for the most American among us])

Meat (beef, chicken, ground pork) or meat-like products (tempeh, tofu...)

Lemongrass, Thai basil and other Asian-specific gardening splendors

Stir-fry is one of the easiest ways to create your own deliciousness.

All you need is:

1. Veggies or your choice
2. Meat/protein (if desired)
3. A few basic staples (see pics above).

A wok doesn't hurt either, but even a large pan can do in a pinch.

Go here for a chart of typical in season veggies

(or usually it's just what's on sale at your local grocery).

As you probably know, stir-fries can be saucy...or not. But I like saucy! Plus, you always have lots of room for improvisation. So taste and fix as you go!

Potential problems:

• Not enough salt -- Add more soy sauce, little spurts at a time
• Not enough sweetness -- Add 1 tsp of sugar until desired sweetness or add hoisin sauce as a substitute for sugar
• Not enough depth (feels flat) -- add a little rice vinegar (for a large stir fry, add 1 tbsp or just a splash)
• Still really flat in flavor? -- Add some fish sauce (yeah the thought freaks me out on my own, but I use it in small doses in my cooking and it makes a world of difference!)
• Lacks "freshness" - add herbs like Thai basil, cilantro, mint, or parsley (Thai basil and cilantro are my favorites)....this will make it come alive!

Here are some other references for those of you who are inclined! Have fun!

• 10 Quick and Easy Stir Fry Dinners
• Kitchen Wench
• Essentials from a Master

A New Colyar No-Bake?

Since no-bakes are a family tradition, I thought I'd throw out a new take on these tasty treats...

(the original post can be found here: picky-palate.com/2011/03/17/no-bake-chewy-cookies-and-cream-bars)

Oh how I love a treat that can be whipped up in about 15 minutes. My boys and their buddies couldn’t get enough of these Chewy Oreo Bars we had as an after school snack this week. Sometimes my spontaneous recipe creations turn out to be the most fun, lol!

Yes you use an entire package of Oreo Cookies, but what you get in return is a marshmallow-y Oreo treat that is worth every bite

Surprise the kids (and yourself) with this one, they’ll be all smiles, Enjoy!

3 whole ingredients. I know, tricky

Break out your Cookies!

Place them all in the food processor or blender and mix until ground.

Like so.

Melt the butter and marshmallows into a large bowl until puffed.

You’ll get a little something like this

Working quickly, pour in your ground cookies.

Mix, mix and mix

You’ll get a gooey mess….that’s delish!

Transfer to an 8×8 inch baking pan and let set for about 10 minutes.

Cut into squares and indulge

No-Bake Chewy Cookies and Cream Bars

One 16 oz package of Oreo

5 cups Large Marshmallows

4 tablespoons butter

1. Place Oreos in food processor and pulse until ground. Melt marshmallows and butter in microwave until puffed, about 1 1/2- 2 minutes. Remove and pour in ground Oreo Cookies. Stir to combine then transfer to a foil lined 8×8 inch baking pan. Let set up for 10 minutes. Remove bars out of pan with edges of foil and cut into squares.

Makes 9 large bars

Comfort Food

Comfort food and puppy pictures are in order. At least it's something.

garlicky baked fries

from: eatmakeread.com/2009/03/05/baked-fries

It’s been a while since I’ve made homemade fries. The last time I made them I was pretty excited, because you know, even though they seem simple, they’re not always the easiest to get just right. Well, I think I’ve come across an even better recipe, one I found on lottie + doof.

There are some tricks in this recipe that I think make the fries come out just right. First, you microwave the potatoes before you put them in the oven in order to speed up the cooking progress. Second, a little cornstarch is sprinkled over them to create a nice crusty coating. And Lastly, you bake the fries in oil that’s been infused with garlic (delicious!).

After about 40 minutes in the oven your apartment will be filled with the smell of garlic and you’ll have lovely golden potatoes waiting to gobbled up. Oh man, these made me happy! The outside is nice and crispy while the inside is fluffy and soft. They’re pretty garlicky, but then again, that just adds to the goodness. The only thing that would make these better is some homemade ketchup.

Garlicky Oven Fries
via lottie + doof

6 garlic cloves, minced
6 tablespoons vegetable oil
3 russet potatoes (about 8oz each), each cut into 12 wedges
2 tablespoons cornstarch
1 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
3/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper

Preheat oven to 475° F. Combine the garlic and oil in a large bowl and microwave until the garlic is fragrant, about 1 minute. Transfer 5 tablespoons of the oil (leaving the garlic in the bowl) to a rimmed baking sheet, tilting the sheet to coat.

Add the potatoes to the bowl with the remaining oil mixture and toss to coat. Wrap tightly in plastic wrap and microwave on high power until the potatoes are translucent around the edges, 3 to 6 minutes, shaking the bowl to redistribute the potatoes halfway through cooking.

Combine the cornstarch, salt, pepper, garlic powder, and cayenne in a small bowl. Sprinkle over the hot potatoes and toss well to coat. Arrange the potatoes in a single layer on the prepared baking sheet and bake, turning once, until deep golden brown and crisp, 30 to 40 minutes. Serve.

Plus, even better...most adorable smiling dog pics!!!

www.dailydawdle.com/2010/10/10-most-adorable-smiling-dogs-pic.html

Honey Sesame Chicken

from: www.mykitchensnippets.com/2008/10/honey-sesame-chicken.html

Sesame chickens are a very popular restaurant or take out dish. I'd like to share this restaurant quality recipes at it always comes out perfect with very little fuss and inexpensive ingredients which you probably have on hand. It can be served at home, potluck, special party, or anytime you crave for some Chinese take out food.

Ingredients :

3 pieces of chicken breast or 1/2 chicken - cut to bite size pieces
1 tbsp of light soy sauce
1 tbsp of cooking wine
1/2 tbsp of sesame oil
1 tsp of sugar
2 tbsp flour
1 tbsp rice flour or cornstarch
Salt & pepper to taste

Sauce:

3 tbsp of sweet chili sauce
2 tbsp of tomato ketchup
1- 2 tbsp of honey (depend on how sweet you want)
1 tbsp of oyster sauce
2 tbsp of light soy sauce
1/4 cup of water
some toasted sesame seed

1. Marinate chicken with soy sauce, wine, sugar, sesame oil, salt and pepper and set it aside for at least an hour. Just before frying mix the 2 type of flour together and mix it into the chicken.
2. Prepare oil for frying. Fry chicken until golden brown, dish out and drain the oil in paper towel. Remove all the oil from the pan.
3. Mix all the sauce ingredients together and pour it back into the pan. Bring it up to a boil and let the sauce thicken a bit.
4. Add in the chicken and toss it gently until the chicken are evenly coated with the sauce. Sprinkle the sesame seeds to the chicken. Serve with warm rice.

Note : You can use bone in chicken,chicken thigh, chicken wings or even pork ribs for this dish.

Best girls' night in forever!

So, the fact that we finally arranged for a cousins' night made me happy. The fact that we got to all hang out, chat, and laugh made me happier. But trying to get bags of tangelos from a supposedly empty, unoccupied house, only to have terrifying hilarity ensue made me happiest. Was it comfortable? No. Was is super smart? Negative. Was it a little rugged and rustic in the wild unknown? Yeppers. Was it invigorating and hilarious? Absolutely.

We'll see how things work out in the neighborhood, but man these tangelos are delicious. I can't stop eating them up. I'm so glad Bonnie, Tatum, and Randi were willing to come up to my humble abode and have some quality girl time! I can't wait to have this happen more often! :) Adult cousins camp, anyone?

The End is Near!!

Tomorrow is a big turning point. Passive though it is for me (as I'm here far away), tomorrow the military contractors come, pack up my anonymous belongings, and ship them to a place relatively foreign to my husband and new to us as a couple....together.

I grew up much of my life in Phoenix and never thought I would return. I bolted the first moment I could afford after reaching the ripest age of my teenage years.

Not merely rebellious, but also stubborn, independent, and determined to make my way. I did not escape the comforts of family for mischievous reasons. But as life had it, I thought 70 hour work weeks to pay my rent REALLY sounded like FUN.

And yet, here I am. Multiple colleges, states, and vehicles later. Here I am, returning home (one college degree and marriage later)...mere miles from the very places I fled. Interesting....

Goes to show, for those of you with stubborn teens--you never know what will happen.

I'm so happy to be stationed near my family. I wouldn't want it any other way. Over the tumultuous years, I've come to appreciate them in ways I could have never imagined. And yet, I recognize that there are so many challenges ahead. I live with the fact that I've separated Danny from his family and friends in the Service. He is so excited about our prospects in Phoenix, but no one can hide the anxiety of what lies ahead....not even me, with my true comfort zone arming the perimeter at all times.

One week from today, we will arrive in Phoenix, at our new home, together. For those who do not know us, the commas mean nothing. For those who do, they mean everything. We arrive the eve of his 30th birthday and one month before our 4 YEAR wedding anniversary.

All I can say in this moment is...Wow! I'm getting old...(insert John Mayer quarter-life crisis song here...regardless of perceived cheese factor.)

Other than the seriousness that is life, I am happy to report that my fantastic fruit trees have not yet been killed by Yours Truly.

Grapefruit and kumquat have active fruit. Valencia Orange and Tangelo doing well. And my gardening casualties have been kept to a minimum...did I mention I feel old?!?

My new puppy and longtime canine family member are doing great despite one's limp and another's newfound desire to dig and explore.

Outside of these facts, ideas, and hopes...I've got nothing left to report. Bedtime.

Pilfering, pillaging...

So personal creativity is a bit dry, but I never stop being inspired by others. Thus, I would like to share something from Molly Barker, the fabulous founder of Girls on the Run. As some of you may know, I have made it my early New Year's resolution to start coaching a Girls on the Run team in 2011. This is something that has been stirring in my soul for years, yet ... well, life in Mississippi happens. The deadline for the Spring season is fast approaching, so it is only by the grace of this universe that I will begin coaching in February. However, I fear not because there is always Fall!

How strange that an organization that, in truth, I have next to zero experience with speaks to me so strongly. And it is weighed on my heart for years. I am so thrilled to be an official running buddy for one special young lady in December and more thrilled for the times ahead! In celebration of all of good work already being done and the prospects of future female fabulousness, I leave you with something from Ms. Molly that I found super-touching and inspiring.

"TOP TEN THINGS I’VE LEARNED BY WORKING WITH 8 to 13 year old girls!

1. When you are happy, it is perfectly acceptable to stop whatever you are doing and go into complete “Dance, Dance Fever” mode. Don’t think too hard about this. Allow the dance to be interpretive and come up from your soul. If this means doing a full-blown “worm” on the floor, go for it. If it means, cartwheels and/or break dancing, don’t hold back, brothers and sisters. Dance, until you can dance no more!

2. When you are sad and you feel like crying…cry. There is no reason in the world, not to. Crying is not anything to be embarrassed about or to restrain yourself from doing. Crying can actually feel good.

3. When you are hurt, either physically and/or emotionally, let someone know that you need their help and their love. Don’t be afraid to say “Hug me. I’m hurt.” You’d be surprised how much that helps in the healing process.

4. When you are angry, let someone you trust know first. Tell them everything. Get all the mean parts of your anger out of your body before you actually confront the person who has angered you. Being human isn’t always a piece of cake and sometimes we think really mean things. That’s okay and just part of being human.

5. Trust yourself. If something doesn’t feel right, trust whatever it is that is giving you that feeling. Nine out of ten times, you are right.

6. If you have something to say, say it. Why the heck would you ever want to hold back an idea on your insides when there is plenty of space outside for the idea to live? Share your big ideas even if they seem utterly undoable or ridiculous. You’d be surprised at how many other people might also have the same idea, but just not know or have the words to express it.

7. Daydream. So, maybe sitting quietly isn’t something that adults do very often, but lying on your back, watching butterflies and making shapes out of the clouds in the sky all provide direct routes to the deeper ideas in your imagination. Your destiny is found in your dreams.

8. Stare at people. Sure, this will make them uncomfortable, but every once in a while a stare leads to a connection and a connection is where friends are found. (The best place to stare at people is on an elevator, so says my daughter, Helen Barker.)

9. As you get older, the fashion magazines and the “age police” will tell you what to wear and how your body should look. They just make that stuff up. Wear whatever you want to wear. If you feel like wearing red cowboy boots with a pair of running shorts, this is perfectly acceptable. Don’t think too much in this category. The human body is pretty cool. Take thirty minutes sometime and just see what your body can do. Leap. Jump. Fly. Skip. Dance. Amazing! Let your spirit be your guide!

And last but not least… the topper, the whole enchilada, the icing on the cake and the cherry on the sundae…

10. Love people. Love them “just because.” Love them with all of your heart. Tell them you love them…tell them a lot. Tell them every day that you love them. Love them with your words, your body and your eyes. Tell them you love them with cards that you decorate yourself, with gifts that you made with your own two hands. Love because you are love. Love. Love. Love."

Thank you for closing. I may finally have a HOME!!!

I’m pretty sure I’m moved at least once a year since 2003…and now I want to try the timeline:

1. April/May 2003—stuff on curb, so moved to ghetto Mesa

2. May 2004—moved to Charlotte, NC

3. May 2005—change of lifestyle and moved once again within Charlotte…working at the bank, dying to get into Wellesley.

4. April 2006-left apartment in Charlotte to make do out of car and friends’ hospitality in order to save thousands of dollars in rent. Not too many run ins with police…

5. September 2006 – arrive at Wellesley

6. December 2007 – cannot afford Wellesley housing so I jimmy-rig an explanation to live off-campus (rare for the school). Seriously consider living in the campus center, but think for some crazy reason that living with hippie-dippy is a good idea. Not so.

7. Jan 2008—move in with kind old lady in Wellesley. A hop, skip, and jump from the college and the high school where I’m student teaching.

8. June 2008 – Biloxi. Home sweet home in crappy apartment.

9. Nov 2008 – New apartment in D’iberville, MS….until some psycho, jerk of a guy decides to hold me at gun point.

10. May 2009 – Move into base housing away from crazies.

11. December 2009 – Danny deployed – Em to PHX

12. July 2010 – Em returns to Biloxi

13. October 2010 –Em returns to Phoenix for good.

Let’s let all this moving around end so that I can have some sort of home please.

Finally...I may be growing close to having a home. I can't wait to stop living out of a suitcase. For those of you who think I've been settled...I say "Ha!" Since January 2010, I've been living out of a suitcase away from my home while my hubby was deployed. Minimal friends and family, with my real life left behind. I'm used to packing up my life into suitcases and zippy-bags. Maybe with this next move, I won't have to do that anymore....

...One can only hope...

Now that it's a Blockbuster...geez

I've been reading friend and family blogs a lot lately, relishing the happy photos and enjoying the parts of their life they are willing to share. How wonderful! My own thoughts have drifted more to the serious as of late and, though I at times feel bad for this, I realize this is ridiculous. So I'm going to continue to use this forum as it seems necessary at the time.

It seems that life has one curve ball after another as of late--well, for years now. I'm not sure why...Is it my choices? Is it fate? Is it random? Is it a lesson? Or likely some combination of all of the above. Soon, however, hopefully we will be successfully tethered in Phoenix for the next few years, providing some stability through the madness.

I, in part, feel silly for only now reading Eat, Pray, Love and loving it--largely because it was one of those book club numbers that make me initially cringe at the bandwagon (though hypocritically so). Now that Julia Roberts has her stake in the business, it adds a thin layer of judgment (though I love Ms. Roberts). Yet as I'm reading, I find so many passages and quotes I wish I could store away in my brain, able to pull them out as needed. As I'm shedding a lot in my present--or rather, trying to figure out how that's possible--this passage made me smile (in the context of Ms. Gilbert's own letting go):

"This is what rituals are for. We do spiritual ceremonies as human beings in order to create a safe resting place for our most complicated feelings of joy or trauma, so that we don't have to haul those feelings around with us forever, weighing us down. We all need such places of ritual safekeeping. And I do believe that if your culture or tradition doesn't have the specific ritual you're craving, then you are absolutely permitted to make up a ceremony of your own devising, fixing your own broken-down emotional systems with all the do-it-yourself resourcefulness of a generous plumber/poet. If you bring the right earnestness to your homemade ceremony, God will provide the grace. And that is why we need God.

Until my do-it-yourself resourcefulness comes to fruition, I'll remain a just a girl, stagnantly here, hoping to will the tide into sweeping something into motion. Perhaps I'll make up a silly ritual with good intent, do some yoga, or just enjoy the silence. And 'til then, I'll eat good food, run my booty off, pray more often and love, not only others in the best way I can muster, but I'll work on loving little 'ol me.

2 Stamps

I've been having one of those "mad at the world days." I don't have that great of a reason to feel that way--things are slowly falling into place with moving and I have everything I need. Minus daily annoyances, which are unique to no one, I am okay. Except...there is this grating, nagging, voice dragging me down asking me what is the point? What is my purpose? My inability to find that answer is, I'm sure, the source of my poor attitude. Way to continue the cycle, Em.

However, today I needed to do something I've been putting off for a long time. A letter that needed to be sent. A letter that needs to be received. One that was written, sealed and addressed weeks ago, yet lacked stamps and courage. So on my lunch, I sought both.

Upon leaving the post office, I saw a thin man on a bus bench with a cardboard sign reading "HuNGrY." Many of us see these things daily and cannot or will not do anything (I, admittedly, often fall into this category). Today was different. I felt that little voice that sometime comes from inside saying "Yes!" or "No!" or "Now!" And the little voice rapidly became a pressing weight, urging me to help in whatever paltry way I could. I rushed home excited to rustle through my cupboards in hopes of finding something and managed to assemble a grocery sack with what I could offer. Some nonperishable packaged snacks and protein bars, a Hawaiian Punch I knew I'd never drink, a cooked hot dog and cold yogurt--utensils and paper towels included. Not a gourmet meal, but a meal.

I was elated that he was still there when I returned--though perhaps I should have hoped he might have found somewhere cooler, maybe with a real meal inside. He seemed a little startled at first when I ran across the street to give him the bag (no crosswalks, barely any sidewalks in this gem of a town), but accepted it graciously and I ran on my way. I, too, felt a little nervous and locked my car doors upon getting in, part for safety, part due to prejudiced assumptions.

I took a different way home because I felt awkward sitting at the stoplight where he sat, as I would essentially just watch him go through the bag. I didn't want either one of us feeling uncomfortable and, truthfully, didn't want to see any potential scowls at my lunchtime grab bag. As I pulled away, I only caught a glimpse of him in my rear view mirror, going first for the paper towels and wiping the sweat from his face. It is hot; he is hungry; and it'll likely be the same tomorrow.

I don't feel quite comfortable even writing all of this here, just as I think it's equally strange to post on Facebook "I did xx amounts of good deeds today. Look at me!". But since I'm pretty sure this doesn't get read much, I'll leave it be.

My mood is a little less ugly now. I hope that it made some difference on some level. I still don't get what my greater purpose is all about, but maybe these things were part of my purpose today. And so now I get back to work, trying to be grateful for what I do have, taking things day by day, and hopefully listening to that feeling in my gut when it tells me to do something.

Now to drop my letter in the outgoing mail...